Tucker took off the small reading glasses that were perched on his nose as Elise quietly opened and then shut his bedroom door. He was lying in bed, surrounded by folders and papers concerning a new logging operation in Minnesota, but he quickly tidied them and put them on the bedside table as she approached.
God, he looked so incredibly cute in those glasses, she thought dreamily before shaking herself back to reality.
No, she thought. Focus.
“Hi,” he said softly, gesturing to the wide expanse of bed beside him, inviting her to sit down beside him.
“Hi,” she echoed, sitting down cross legged about a foot away from him, just out of reach.
If he touched her, if they touched each other, she might lose her resolve…
He remained silent then, watching her, waiting for whatever verdict she was going to impose on him.
And more than willing to serve whatever time she deemed appropriate, as long as he didn’t lose her forever to this… to this madness he had set up for himself.
God, he was a fool.
A fool to think she would ever understand, that she would ever forgive him, that she would ever just let things go back to normal, but he couldn’t help but dare to hope…
She looked so beautiful in the dim light of the bedroom, and it was all he could do not to reach other and pull her into his arms, to kiss the breath from her, to love her the way she deserved, again and again and again…
“First of all, thank you for trusting me enough to share…” she gestured weakly out to the window, towards the lake, “that with me. I know that must have been extraordinarily difficult.”
“I do trust you,” he said huskily. “I love you.”
“I know you do,” Elise said. “So, thank you.”
Tucker waited, knowing there was more, the verdict still to come…
“I think you’re a good man for standing by Sophia, and for wanting to take care of her in an environment that is more soothing to her, at least in some way.”
“But,” Tucker added helpfully, and Elise gave him a ghost of a smile.
“Yes, but…”
She bit her lip, trying to find the words, the way to tell him…
“Whether I’m here or not, I think you should seriously rethink whether or not its safe for you, and for Betsy, to live in such close proximity to Sophia. She’s already tried to hurt Betsy for no reason, and she could hurt you too. You, more likely, because of your connection to her.”
“I don’t have a connection with her. Not anymore,” Tucker argued.
“Maybe, she it’s not as if she doesn’t know you, doesn’t know that you were once very connected, in love, even. She has to know that, and maybe she would punish you for it. Look at what she did to Betsy for no reason we can figure out. I just don’t ever want anything to happen to you or Betsy, or anyone else, because of your misguided attempt at being chivalrous.”
“I think it’s less chivalry and more gnawing guilt and shame,” Tucker replied, his voice a sad monotone. “Truly. But I understand what you’re saying, and it’s probably wise counsel.”
Elise reached out a hand then, squeezing his arm once in sympathy and then pulling away before he could take her hand in his. She needed for them not to touch…
“I’m also sympathetic to your misguided need to punish yourself, but Tucker, seriously... you’ve done more to accommodate her comfort and care than anyone would expect. I think you need to stop punishing yourself for a mistake you made more than a decade ago when you were young and misguided, especially when that mistake was to fall in love with someone. No one should be punished for falling in love, not even you.”
“I don’t know how to stop,” Tucker said plaintively. “Should I just put her in a group home and wash my hands of her? It seems so wrong.”
Elise shrugged. “Maybe, but only you can make that decision, and I’ll support whatever you do in whatever way I can.”
Tucker’s heart lurched with hope then, hope that maybe Elise wasn’t going to desert him after all, that she was going to stand by him and help him figure out a way out of this mess…
“I appreciate it,” he said, hedging his bets on her response.
Elise took a deep breath and let it out slowly, her eye filling with tears of their own volition. “But I can’t stay,” she whispered, a tear slipping down her cheek. “I can’t.”
Tucker sucked in a breath of his own, feeling as though he’d been punched in the gut. “But…”
“It’s not you, it’s me,” she said with a self deprecating laugh at the words that had been used to end relationships since the dawn of time. “You know my upbringing, my childhood. My mother spent the last years of her life as a mistress to one married man then another, always seeking security and love and never getting it. She died heartbroken and alone of an overdose, and I always swore – swore - I would never be the same. I deserve better than that.”
“You do. You deserve everything,” Tucker said in agreement, his voice thick with emotion.
“I swore I would never be a mistress, or whore out my affections for security, emotional, financial or otherwise. I just can’t.”
“It’s not like that,” Tucker argued. “Sophia and I may be married, but it’s because I hold her power of attorney, and her care is covered by my insurance. If we weren’t married, she would have to go into a state facility without enough beds, workers or meds to control her.”
“I know that, I do,” Elise said. “But… I just can’t…”
“I would never think of you as my mistress,” Tucker said, his voice rising now, angry and frustrated. “Can’t we just pretend she doesn’t exist, like we did a week or two ago? Can’t we go back?”
Elise shook her head no, sadly. “No, because even a week ago, I knew there was a shadow over your heart, I just didn’t know what it was. You loved her once, and you care enough for her now to provide for her… supervision. You can’t just undo that for me. She’s always have a part of your heart, so where does that leave me?”
“Please don’t do this,” Tucker said, his voice pleading now. “Please don’t punish me for trying to do the right thing, and for trusting you enough to tell you. Please don’t…”
“I’m not saying forever. I’m not saying we’ll never… we’ll never have this again, but I can’t stay here, taking care of Betsy and pretending everything is normal when… when I know what I know now. I can’t just go back to what we were, not without compromising myself, my beliefs, my emotions. Please respect me enough to know that – and please know me enough to know that’s true.” Elise said, tears still leaking from her eyes. “But not… I just can’t… Tucker, my heart is breaking too. Believe me.”
“Then don’t,” Tucker argued. “Don’t. Just don’t.”
Elise slid across the bed then, putting her feet on the floor and practically running for the door. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but I can’t…”
And with that, she turned and fled.40671/50000
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