“What would you be if you weren’t a logging baron?”
Tucker thought for a long moment, his fingers temporarily stilling from stroking Elise’s naked back, then resuming the track up and down her spine as he murmured, “I don’t know. Probably be a logging viscount.”
Elise slugged him playfully in the shoulder, which was currently nestled underneath her cheek. “I think viscount is higher than baron, isn’t it?”
“I don’t know. You’re the way one reads all those weepy novels where someone dies in the end and there’s always a marriage to someone titled, like a baron or a viscount or a marquis,” Tucker replied, and Elise laughed.
“Someone doesn’t always die,” she laughed. “No one dies in Pride and Prejudice. Or Sense and Sensibility. And they weren’t titled, they were just gentried rich. Like you. Rich but untitled.”
“Well, I thought someone always died,” Tucker argued, and Elise laughed anew.
“I’m serious,” she said, composing herself, and practically purring as he began running his fingers through her hair, making her shiver at the delicious feeling that brought forth. “What would you be if you weren’t running your own logging business?”
Tucker thought, seriously, this time, before answering. “I’ve always wanted to teach – to be a professor. I like the idea of that.”
“What subject?”
“History.”
“Really?” Elise asked, surprised. “Why?”
“I think because this area is so rooted in it – and so is the family business. I like the idea of knowing where we came from, and what we’re doomed to repeat – or are able to change with the right knowledge. Plus, I dig the idea of wearing a sport jacket with leather elbow pads. Don’t all professors wear those?”
“I think they issue them with tenure,” Elise said, and Tucker chuckled.
“I’ve never told anyone that before,” Tucker said, the thought dawning on him. “I’ve always loved history but I’ve never told anyone I wanted to teach. Not that I would have ever had the chance, with the business, but still, there is it. Why do you make me tell you all my secrets?”
“It’s part of my mystique,” Elise teased. “You’re powerless against me.”
“Got that right,” Tucker growled, kissing her ardently on the mouth.
“What would you be?” He asked several minutes later, turning the question on her.
“This,” she said, nibbling his ear playfully. “I think I’d be good at this.”
“What? Sordid lover?” Tucker teased.
“Sordid? I was didn’t know I was sordid. I’m sort of proud of that,” Elise said with a grin. “I was going to say teacher and housewife-type-person, but sordid lover sounds much more impressive.”
Lover.
Elise couldn’t help but want to burst with happiness and laughter at that.
Tucker was her first real lover.
Her first real love.
Her only love.
Last night had been… magical.
She hadn’t been scared or nervous, afraid or apprehensive. Instead, she’d been full of trust, lust, and emotion, knowing it was Tucker she was sharing a bed with. He was an attentive, dedicated lover, and he’d made her feel more beautiful in those few hours than she’d ever felt in her lifetime before.
They’d made love several times, and they’d just lain in bed, talking and talking, always touching each other, but connecting more than just physically.
She’d loved the talking – the quiet up and down, back and forth rhythm of their conversations – as much as the lovemaking.
She hadn’t slept a wink, and right now, she couldn’t possibly care less about how tired she was going to be all day until she could return to his bed.
This was something real, she thought.
Something I want to be real, she amended, but somehow…
Somehow, she felt like Tucker was holding back at times – as though he’d gone into a dark place without her, only to emerge a few second later, as through breaking the surface of the lake outside and taking a deep breath.
Tucker was holding out on something, but she didn’t know what, and she didn’t know how to ask without sounding like a clingy, neurotic female.
Which she certainly wasn’t, and yet…
There had been flashes when they were together – moments where he looked almost… conflicted.
It was confusing.
But in the afterglow of the soft morning light coming through the windows, this wasn’t the time to start questioning his motives or conflicts.
It was a time to just… savor.
And savor she was, she thought evilly, nipping at his neck with her teeth and making him growl.
Within a minute, she wasn’t thinking about anything at all except pleasure – and having a heart so full, it felt it could burst at any moment.
#
Tucker was in his aerie, pacing.
He wasn’t normally a pacer, so he knew his body was trying to rectify things with his mind.
Last night with Elise had been…. Inevitable.
Inevitable, and fantastic.
Elise Blake was everything he never knew he wanted in a woman, and now that he had her… he would go to any lengths to keep her.
So how did he resolve his heart – which was full of love of Elise – with his obligations as a man of character and dignity?
What he was doing wasn’t dignified, it wasn’t trustworthy, and it certainly wasn’t worthy of Elise.
She deserved a better man than he was.
But once he’d been pulled into her orbit, he’d been powerless to spin himself back out of it, no matter how honorable he had wanted to be.
He belonged to Elise, heart and soul.
And yet, here he was, pacing.
He knew he had to tell her the truth, he just… he didn’t know how.
Why ruin something so wonderful when it was just getting started?
Couldn’t he just ignore it, pretend it didn’t exist, and he and Elise just starting building a life together instead?
But he knew it wasn’t fair to Elise – not to build a life based on a lie.
But he couldn’t tell her the truth.
He couldn’t.
Not yet.
He wanted to enjoy this – just this rush of new, young love – for a while longer.
#
A week and a half later, Elise shrugged her way out of Tucker’s sleeping grasp and walked to the window, staring out at the lake, which shimmered below dimly in the moonlight.
She’d thought she’d heard something, and when she looked out, she could have sworn she saw a flash of light coming from near the guest house in the back – a candle flicker or a flashlight beam, something.
But it was gone as quickly as she saw it, so she assumed it was a trick of her imagination.
That happened a lot when you lived in such an isolated place.
She looked over her shoulder, sensing Tucker’s wakefulness, and gave him a small smile when she saw him watching her. “Did I wake you?” she asked with concern, and he shrugged.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly, extending a hand to her, beckoning her back to the bed. She went, willingly, slipping her hand into his and then sliding beneath the sheets, pressing her air-cooled body against his warm form.
“I’m fine, I just thought I heard something,” Elise explained softly. “Are you okay?” she asked, studying his face, admiring the planes and angles of his jaw, the stubble that caressed her cheek when they kissed.
“Why do you ask?” Tucker questioned. “I’m perfect. I’m here with you.”
“Are you?” Elise asked, immediately hating herself for sounding like a shrew.
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes,” Elise began, then stopped and took a deep breath. “Sometimes it like’s your gone for a minute, like you’ve stepped away from yourself and I lose you. It wasn’t like this before… before…”
“Before we ended up in bed together?” Tucker answered gently and she nodded glumly.
”Where do you go?”
“I’m right here with you. I don’t go anywhere,” Tucker said soothingly, but Elise shook her head no.
“No, not always. I don’t want to come off as a clingy, insecure female, but I feel like I know you, and when you drift away from me… I don’t know you at all. I feel like you’re holding something back, like you’re hiding away a part of yourself from me. I guess I’m feeling a bit insecure, because I’ve given you every part of myself, no holds barred. You know more about me than any other human on the planet. I guess I was hoping for reciprocity.”
“Elise…” Tucker began, then paused, trying to figure out how to tell her, what to say.
“Listen, if you aren’t in the same place I am in this…”
“I am, believe me, I am,” Tucker interjected. “It’s just… complicated.”
“Complicated.” Elise said dumbly, nodding her head slowly. “I should have known.”
“Known what?”
“Who is she?”
Tucker blanched.
“You have a girlfriend already, don’t you? You have someone on the side. Please tell me I’m not just a tumble or a conquest. Tell me we have something here so I don’t hate myself for falling for you,” Elise said, tripping over her words. “God, I feel like a fool. For not seeing it – and for asking you about it. God, this is awkward. I thought this was real.”
“We’re real,” Tucker said, grasping both her hands in his and squeezing to get her attention. “We’re real,” he repeated, staring deep into her eyes. “Believe me. But believe me when I tell you it’s complicated.”
“If you want to go back to just being my boss, to me just doing my job,” Elise began, and Tucker shook his head emphatically.
“No, NO. I don’t want that,” he argued, his voice rising. “Elise… I love you.”
A single tear escaped her eye and she sniffled slightly, wanting so badly to believe the words she had longed for him to say. Longed for anyone to say to her. Ever.
“I love you too.”
“Elise…”
“Please don’t make a fool out of me,” Elise whispered. “I couldn’t stand it if you did.”
“I’m not,” Tucker said softly. “I love you. I love every part of you. I do. I want nothing more in this world than the share Timberline with you, raising Betsy, becoming a family. I’ve never met anyone like you, and now you sweep into my life, and you’re perfect – you’re perfect to me. With me. We belong together – you and men and Betsy, here at Timberline. I know that in the very fiber of my being.”
“But.”
“What?”
“It sounded like a pretty big ‘but’ was coming, so…” Elise said, gesturing with one hand. “Get to it. Please.”
“But,” Tucker sighed. “It’s complicated.”
He grasped for Elise’s wrist as she scrambled to climb out of bed, holding her to him, willing her to stay with him but knowing he couldn’t force her. He would never do that.
“Let me go,” she said, with no fight in her voice.
He released her wrist, but stood up and blocked her path with his body, forcing her gaze to meet his without laying a finger on her, willing her to hear him, to believe him. “I’ll explain everything. Tomorrow morning, I’ll explain everything. I don’t want to fight tonight. I just want to lay here and love you tonight. Can we do that? Please?”
“Tomorrow?” Elise asked, her voice plaintive and soft.
Tucker sighed, a deep, troubled sigh that spoke volumes to her. “Tomorrow. Everything. And after that – after that, we’ll see where we go from there.”
Elise contemplated this, seeing the conflict in his eyes, and the begging for her to stay, to give him a chance to explain.
She owed him that much – she owed it to herself to let him explain why there was still an emotional gulf between them, no matter how big or small it may be.
She had to see it through.
She nodded, once, and then took a step forward, letting him bundle her into his arms. “Promise me you’ll tell me everything.”
“I will,” he promised. “God help me.”
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